Gear Review: The Yamaha Tenori On

So here we are at the first blog entry

And Now......
The Tenori-On


*song by little boots*




You know what folks....





FUCK THE TENORI-ON!




The Tenori-On has to be the most over priced piece of dog shit made since the Camaro.

What people need to ask themselves is "What is the Tenori-On?"

Basically it's a sample based tone player and sequencer.
Emphasis on "tone player", this thing is not a synth by any means. Filters, LFOS, Envelope Generators...forget about all that. Load a sample and that's what plays...
or is it really that simple?

NO IT'S FUCKIN NOT!

I must re-emphasize, this thing is a GRADE "A" PIECE OF DOG SHIT!

Along with a small slew of preset samples, a total of 3 user sample sets can be loaded, and each one of those sample sets can only be comprised of up to 16 samples.
Yeah, that's right, this is multi-sampling made ultra retarded and just about completely redundant outside of maybe some simple drum kit creations.

Now further, each sample can only be about 1 second long. If the sample is over a second long, FORGET ABOUT IT, you ain't gettin any more then the first second of sample.

Oh, and the EPIC FAIL doesn't stop there!
OH NO, Yamaha went all out on making sure this thing sucked more dick then a Vegas strip hooker.
Next, you have to put the samples onto an SD card in order to initially load them on to the damn thing and then IT'S GOING TO TAKE ABOUT 2 TO 3 MINUTES FOR EACH DAMN SAMPLE TO LOAD.

That's right, get your mini-sound snippets on an SD card, and then prepare for:












Yeah, did you actually just take the time to play that video?
Well multiply the length of time you wasted on that story by about a fucking billion and you have how long it's going to take you to load what little makes up a full bank of user samples into the Tenori-On.


Luckily once samples have been loaded into the Tenori-On they stay there.
Lord knows that once you've gone through that suck ass process once, you'll probably never have the patience to do it again.

This brings us on to the thing as a sequencer.
Yeah, this thing has some fun sequencing tricks up it's sleeve, but emphasis on "fun".
And 90% of that "fun" factor comes from the fact that it's sequencing actions make a bunch of Pokemon seizure inducing lights go off that make you wish you were on a head full of peyote.

If you get to actual functionality and take away the futurama lite-brite actions of the damn thing, there are sequencers out there that for under half the cost will blow out the Tenori-On like Fat Man on Nagasaki. In fact, you can still under cut the things cost and end up blowing out not just it's sequencer capabilities, but it's sampling capabilities, and it's non-existant synthesis capabilities.

And that folks....that is the damn fucking kicker to this piece of crap obviously aimed at a society that can't get over CGI, Paris Hilton, Kaos Pads, Guitar Hero, and the latest Britteny Spears Single....
That's where they sucker you in folks....
look at the damn thing...
you know you can't help it.
You want it.
Blippy god damn lights going all around in sparkles.
It's the "fun" factor where they try to sucker you in.
Tapping into your fond infant memories of pretty lights and sparkles and raping the innocence of your childhood while you reach into your damn wallet.
IT'S COST.
The damn thing runs at a bit over a $1000!
That's right, for more than the damn cost of a Playstation3 that will get you on the net, let you shoot the hell out of some Viet Kong and Nazi's, allow you to watch ANAL CARROT BUTT RAPE 4 on Blue Ray Disc, go on the interwebs to read informative gear reviews like this, AND EVEN ALLOW YOU TO USE SOME RETARDED PIECE OF MUSIC SOFTWARE MORE CAPABLE THAN THE TENORI-ON....for more than the cost of all of that, what you really end up with is nothing but a damn lite-brite 2012.

Once you consider the reality of a $1000 dollar lite-brite, it's easy to understand why Godzilla ran around stomping the living snot out of the land of the rising sun while using atomic breathe to make smores out of the Japanese.
THOSE BASTARDS AT YAMAHA PROBABLY SOLD THAT OVER SIZED VELOCIRAPTOR A TENORI-ON AND NOW THERE'S HELL TO PAY IN TOKYO!

About the only thing truly impressive about the Tenori-On is that Yamaha effectively proved they could somehow manage to pull off a miracle and one up Korg for selling people on overpriced pieces of gimmicky low tech peacock dung.
COMBINE THIS THING WITH A KAOS PAD AND YOU'RE REALLY READY TO PARTY!

Fuck Yamaha.
Fuck The Tenori-On.
And FUCK YOU!
That's right....Fuck YOU!
Because I saw the way your eyes boggled out as you looked over the spectacle of the Tenori-On. I SAW YOU SALIVATING! And I felt that urge you had from your inner child to buy one those pieces of shit.
YOU'RE A FUCKING LAMER AND I HOPE YOU AND YAMAHA BOTH ROT IN HELL!